The value of communication is perhaps the most overstated concepts in relationship counseling. We tend to take it for granted that talking and listening is important. But do we really understand what it means to be a good listener?
Perhaps the most important aspect of being a good listener is learning more about our partner. This provides shortcuts to resolve potential relationship issues later on. When we listen to our partner we learn a wealth of emotional information about them. We can assume less and pick up more when our partner is in distress.
When spending time with family and friends, I make a conscious effort to be the listener. I reserve my point of view when questioned or at the end of the speaker's commentary. There is a reinforcement of the bond between two people when we validate each others feelings. Being genuinely attentive as they voice their concerns will often diffuse the anger and frustration that builds up during heated arguments. Your partner will also be more inclined to respect your opportunity to voice your views.
Developing the skill to become a good listener is not easy. It can be difficult to put your own agenda on hold and prioritize your partner's concerns. Sometimes I find it necessary to separate myself emotionally from the discussion while my partner is voicing an issue. This helps me to focus objectively on what is being said. It is rare that a mutually beneficial compromise cannot be reached when both parties genuinely listen.
When you are a good listener your partner comes to know you genuinely care about how they are feeling. When you ask your partner how they are doing, they know it's not simply a rhetorical question. I don't ask unless I know I can stop and take time to listen and be fully attentive. Likewise, there are very few things in my life I will prioritize more than my partner's concerns.
It's not always best to cheer your partner up when they convey they are feeling sad or angry. I have learned the hard way that while my partner is temporarily cheered up the underlying cause of the sadness or anger remains. Hearing out the reasons for the anger or sadness allows you both to address it and consider options to resolve the issue. Only after we have fully explored the issue do I try to cheer my partner.
Conveying my views in the form of a question takes the bite out of my response. This keeps my partner in the director's seat of the conversation and allows for continued sharing. Sometimes there seems no easy way to respond to an emotionally loaded statement. Taking care to never respond to a question with another question is also important. This is often perceived as being condescending.
When it is finally my turn to speak I always ask myself the same questions and genuinely listen to my inner response. Do I love my partner? Is my partner still an intimate part of my life? This helps me to not say things I don't mean in frustration. It focuses me on my goal which is to validate my partner's concerns and seek to come to a compromise.
Sources:
Experience in Associate Studies in Family Counseling
Previously Posted on FullofKnowlege.com
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