The Value of Communication in Relationships

The value of communication is perhaps the most overstated concepts in relationship counseling. We tend to take it for granted that talking and listening is important. But do we really understand what it means to be a good listener?

Perhaps the most important aspect of being a good listener is learning more about our partner. This provides shortcuts to resolve potential relationship issues later on. When we listen to our partner we learn a wealth of emotional information about them. We can assume less and pick up more when our partner is in distress.

When spending time with family and friends, I make a conscious effort to be the listener. I reserve my point of view when questioned or at the end of the speaker's commentary. There is a reinforcement of the bond between two people when we validate each others feelings. Being genuinely attentive as they voice their concerns will often diffuse the anger and frustration that builds up during heated arguments. Your partner will also be more inclined to respect your opportunity to voice your views.

Developing the skill to become a good listener is not easy. It can be difficult to put your own agenda on hold and prioritize your partner's concerns. Sometimes I find it necessary to separate myself emotionally from the discussion while my partner is voicing an issue. This helps me to focus objectively on what is being said. It is rare that a mutually beneficial compromise cannot be reached when both parties genuinely listen.

When you are a good listener your partner comes to know you genuinely care about how they are feeling. When you ask your partner how they are doing, they know it's not simply a rhetorical question. I don't ask unless I know I can stop and take time to listen and be fully attentive. Likewise, there are very few things in my life I will prioritize more than my partner's concerns.

It's not always best to cheer your partner up when they convey they are feeling sad or angry. I have learned the hard way that while my partner is temporarily cheered up the underlying cause of the sadness or anger remains. Hearing out the reasons for the anger or sadness allows you both to address it and consider options to resolve the issue. Only after we have fully explored the issue do I try to cheer my partner.

Conveying my views in the form of a question takes the bite out of my response. This keeps my partner in the director's seat of the conversation and allows for continued sharing. Sometimes there seems no easy way to respond to an emotionally loaded statement. Taking care to never respond to a question with another question is also important. This is often perceived as being condescending.

When it is finally my turn to speak I always ask myself the same questions and genuinely listen to my inner response. Do I love my partner? Is my partner still an intimate part of my life? This helps me to not say things I don't mean in frustration. It focuses me on my goal which is to validate my partner's concerns and seek to come to a compromise.

Sources:

Experience in Associate Studies in Family Counseling

Communication in Relationships

The Value of listening

Previously Posted on FullofKnowlege.com

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Being Happily Single is Not Being a Cheater

I have often been labeled a player, but I describe myself as happily single. There are differences between what is commonly known as a player and my personal lifestyle and relationship choices.

Player is typically a derogatory term that describes one that misleads a partner with a false self representation for the purpose of getting them into bed. I do not mislead anyone and everyone with whom I have relations is well aware I am not seeking a committed involvement with anyone.

It has been my experience that cheaters do so solely as a result of a childish need sample everything on the table. I have studied psychology and I have never once seen an instance where cheating occurred as a result of childhood trauma, fear of commitment or a troubled prior relationship history. In every instance, cheaters have exhibited the same behavior. Take them to a buffet and they will fill their plates with a little of everything.

Women especially are surprised to learn their partner's lover is often less attractive, in poor shape and perhaps more openly promiscuous so to speak. This is not uncommon. Slumming it seems to be the norm among male cheaters out looking for some strange.

Studies have shown cheaters consider their partners more attractive than their affair mates. Only 30 percent of men cheated with women younger than their significant others. Only 1/4 described their affair mates as more interesting or in better shape than their significant others.

Male cheaters often describe their affair mates as better listeners, more passionate and caring than their significant others. However, in any other scenario other than infidelity counselors would call foul at such nonsense citing this as an excuse response. If I found my lover to be more passionate, caring and more genuinely invested in my feelings I would leave my significant other. If discovered, I certainly would not beg her forgiveness and vow to never do it again.

So why cheat? As mentioned earlier, I see no need to mislead anyone about myself or my desire to remain non-committed. I don't feel I need to initially state up front my position with every person I meet. If I see the person is beginning to move us beyond friendship I do make it clear I have no intention of being anyone's partner. I have personal goals for myself that require my full attention. This is not to say I do not welcome close friendship or cuddling or even more.

My female cheating friends often say their affair partners are better listeners; more affectionate, more passionate and more attentive to their emotional needs than their significant others. Perhaps this is true as women value these relationship traits in general. However, in almost every instance among my female cheater friends a few other factors are at play. I have found they prefer affair partners who are more attractive, in better shape and earn more money than their significant others.

Many studies and articles have addressed cheating in relationships and infidelity in marriages. But how can a study accurately represent the facts if the participants are inherently known cheaters and liars? Perhaps an accurate study requires close examination of a cheater in his/her natural habitat. I have often been mislabeled as a cheater myself. So perhaps my colors somewhat resemble that of genuine cheaters. For this reason cheaters open up to me more than they would anyone else, stating I know what it's like to be the way they are.

To the untrained eye, perhaps I do resemble a cheater being seen out with a different partner most every weekend.

Cheaters I have encountered typically live stressful and constantly tumultuous double lives. They exist like criminals on the run always in hiding as a result of their own dishonesty. In general, they do not seem to be happy with themselves or capable of achieving satisfaction in committed relationships.

To the untrained eye, perhaps I do resemble a cheater being seen out with a different partner most every weekend. But I have found honesty and full disclosure to be the best policy. This has enabled me to operate out in the open without fear of who sees me or with whom. This is the difference between being a cheater and being happily single.

Source:

Do Men Cheat More Than Women?

Cheaters Find their Spouses More Attractive Than Their Lovers.

Previously Posted on FullofKnowlege.com

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Helping Your Teen with Heartbreak

Break ups hurt. There is no way good way to treat a broken heart, only time can relieve the pain. For young teens, a break up seems like the world is coming to an end. Their emotions are new to them and they feel these emotions more intense. My daughter was only 13 when she fell in love with a classmate. I felt she was perhaps too young for such things hoped she would wait a while longer before discovering boys.

Claire had known her suitor for two years prior but it was their mutual love of athletics that brought them together. She was the captain of her girl's soccer league and he was on the school football team. The school had an after school coed training program in which all students involved in sports trained together regardless of their sport. The workout program was one of the unique aspects that made this academy the more popular choice for parents. The students and the parents were more involved with each of the sports offered by the academy and not just the one their own kids played.

They had begun to pair off for workouts and soon included study time and lunch together as part of their daily schedule. I kept a watchful eye on the developing relationship. I knew my daughter to be a responsible person and I knew the boy's parents from my school days. He was a good kid and had been raised to be respectful of a young lady. When the trouble started I was relieved it was not an issue of inappropriate behavior. It was a matter quite impossible for either of them to overcome.

The second quality of the academy that made it a popular parent's choice was its outstanding record for quality education. Students were made familiar with college level subjects and prepared for the challenges of college curriculum. They had access to scholarships and each student groomed to meet and exceed the requirements. Maintaining good grades was mandatory and drops in performance were addressed promptly. Claire's grades remained high but her new friend had begun to slip.

It was difficult for my daughter to understand how she could be considered a distraction. As parents, we had seen it coming. She would be focused on the subject of study while he would only focus on her. We were prepared somewhat by the time the midterm grades were tallied. 

The boy’s grades had dropped significantly. He would have to sit out the remainder of his athletics program and spend his after school time in the academy's academic mentorship. The parents and the teachers meet and discuss these issues up front should they become a hindrance to the performance of the students. The boy had decided for himself to end the relationship. Claire was devastated.

Thankfully the only good thing about the situation was that Claire had Thanksgiving break to recover or risk her own grades while mending a wounded heart. The reasons seemed even worse for Claire. She felt responsible and guilty for becoming a distraction as the teachers had said. I agreed with the boy's mother they could have not been so quick to lay all the blame of the girls. The boy’s mandatory school uniforms were sharp and made them to resemble future leaders of industry. The girls were made to look like something from a cheesy anime production. The public school girls frequently referred to the girls attending the academy as ‘Britneys’. Any red blooded young boy would be perpetually distracted.

All I could do as a father was keep plenty of chocolate chip cookies and hot cocoa on hand. It was heartbreaking to watch. At Thanksgiving dinner Claire tried to hide her pain but this only made her seem like a broken doll sitting at the table. She was hugged and kissed so much her cheeks were red by the time we got home. She returned to her room and closed the door. I could hear her crying in the night. My mother and her grandmother agreed it would be better to let her get through this on her own. I tried but I could not do it.

I went into the kitchen and put a pizza into the oven. I made a bowl of raw cookie dough and put all the 2 liter bottles of soft drinks in the living room. I turned on the TV and paid for every single one of the movies on Claire's wish list. I knocked on the door and found my daughter curled on her bed staring at her wall and holding tightly to her blue baby blanket. I wrapped her listless body in a blanket and carried her to the living room couch. I started the movie marathon.

I'm not proud of what I did next but the situation called for desperate measures. In her despair, my daughter had neglected her toes. I took her foot and scrubbed the chipped paint from her toe nails and replied a fresh coat as neatly as I could. I even put the cotton between the toes. My daughter stared at her left foot for a moment then dropped her right foot into my lap. It was near daylight outside when my daughter fell asleep on the couch. She had smiled and even giggled during the funnier parts of our list of Disney movies. My daughter's heart was well on the mend and her toes immaculate.

Previously Posted on FullofKnowlege.com

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How To Be a Good Friend

Over the years, I find myself thinking more about my friends and how they are doing. I’m reminded of my mom sitting at the window in the early morning sunlight with a cup of Earl Grey writing long letters to loved ones. Now that I've moved far away I now receive her letters and it makes me smile to know that I can close my eyes and see her as she was writing it.

While reading a letter from mom today it was evident to me that the content of her letters are significant. By this I mean she mentioned how friends and family were doing but also includes lessons to be mindful of during my day. She knows my naughtiness, you see.

I was quite troublesome for my deal old mum during my fragile formative years and she did the best she could to make me understand those things of which I felt I already knew. Parents react differently to a troublesome child than they would a friend or partner. They are more patient and see so much of their younger selves in us. Hurtful words are said in anger yet forgotten with a hug and cry moments later.

When I think of friends I have lost over the years I often find myself hoping I could go back and undo the damage done. I wish I could have been more patient with a wayward friend and not so intolerant. As years pass I remember what a dear friend they once were rather than the issue that separated us.

I share now my mom’s lesson for today. Love is always about giving and never about taking. You give your love to others and others give their love back to you. Always try to see yourself in others no matter how far removed they may initially seem. Judge them as you would yourself but forgive instantly. Sometimes parting is necessary, it’s in the doing that matters.

These days I cherish the friends I have as a result of the friends I have lost in the past. My mistakes in the past remain painful but have made me mindful of how I seek to resolve issues today. And I realize today that my very best friend was the very first one I ever had.

Previously Posted on FullofKnowlege.com

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Why Some Women Prefer Married Men

My Conversation with a woman who only dates married men.

I met this girl online who requested to keep her identity private. She lives in the local area, and following an intriguing online conversation, she agreed to meet with me for an interview. I had seen her picture online, which reveals, I have to admit, that she is quite beautiful. But when she walked into the coffee shop and stopped to look around for me, every man in the place stopped with her. She was dressed for the part. She wore a very tight seer black dress that clung to every inch of her and there were no lines visible to assume there was anything underneath. Her hair was blonde and draped down to cradle her porcelain skin and she was as tall as me, standing 6'2". Perhaps with a slight advantage as a result of her black heels. I raised my hand and she smiled. I had then noticed that everything had gotten very quiet when the conversations in the coffee shop began to start back up. I wondered how often these moments occurred for her.

She approached the table and asked if we could sit outside. She peered at her small purse with some frustration. Her phone was buzzing. We settled outside and I set up my notepad and recorder. I assured her that I had no need for her identity nor her picture. Her phone continued to ring and she apologized. I said I didn't mind if she answered it. She stated, "It's over, he just hasn't accepted it yet. "

This seemed a good place to begin. She informed me that the man calling was a prominent doctor in town she had met at a party for a mutual friend in Jackson. I knew the doctor she spoke of, and I had to smile. No one deserved it more. She admitted she left him because he came to her three nights earlier stating that he had confessed to his wife everything and was seeking a divorce. He wanted her to leave with him for vacation. She shook her head as the phone continued to ring and finally turned it off.

What was compelling to me was that she admitted that she cared for him. It was as if the act of telling his wife was also a betrayal to her. She explained that it felt safer to know that he had to leave to return to his wife. It freed her from the responsibility of getting attached to him. I could see the issue was painful for her. She admitted that she felt sorry for his wife but it was his fault she was suffering now. "I told him I wasn't looking for a husband. I told him I wasn't seeing anyone else but I didn't want to be his wife. "

She admitted that she wouldn't blame the wife for hating her, but she knew her husband better than anyone. I asked if the wife knew her identity. She confided that she had been getting calls and hang-ups but that was typical wife behavior. Somewhat astonished, I asked her to clarify "typical wife behavior ". She looked at me with a knowing smile and stated, "He wasn't my first. "

We live in the second largest city in our state, but it's still small enough that everyone knows everyone. She listed a who's who of local men she had dated in the past. Some I knew and some I didn't, all were married. I asked if there had been a heart break in her past that had made her prefer the detachment of married men. She shook her head and I could tell she was being honest. She admitted to having a relationship once that nearly resulted in a marriage but it was her that backed out. "As each day approached to the wedding date, I felt I couldn't breathe. Everyone was so happy for me but I just wanted to run away. "

She gave me a flirtatious smile and asked if I was seeing anyone. I admitted that I was single by choice but could probably get a date reasonably easy. Before I knew it, she had turned the table on me and I was being interviewed. She asked if I noticed how women look at me. Men are quite obvious because they want their eyes to meet with hers. But men will never notice the women looking at them unless she wants them to. She revealed that women look at me and that I could easily be what she is. I had to inquire what she claimed herself to be. Her eyes went to her hands and she paused a moment and replied, "I guess I'm a monster. "

It was then clear to me. She could not experience feelings of intimacy without the feelings of claustrophobia that accompanied. She was muscular, manicured, her smile perfect and like porcelain but inside, she was frightened of commitment. I asked her then if she felt self-conscious around married men and she confirmed my suspicions. She felt quite the contrary, she felt empowered.

Previously Posted on FullofKnowlege.com

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Moving in Together: A Man's Guide

When is it time? How to do it? What men should never do!

Is it about to happen? Is she about to pop the big question? A quick look around at your apartment will reveal your first clue. Are more of her things in your apartment than her own? It's simply more convenient for her to leave some items of necessity at your place especially if your apartment is where you both meet at the end of the day.

This is nesting behavior and is a good sign that she trusts you, depends upon you as a protector and a healthy sign the relationship is growing. Another word for growing is moving forward.

Check your Apartment

To determine the rate of forward momentum you may need to check your apartment for indicators she is thinking about moving in. You already know she has sectioned off half of your medicine cabinet and perhaps you already know about the small bag under your bathroom sink that you avoid opening.

Look in the dresser to see if one or two of your drawers have been sequestered. Is your closet divided up with your clothes on one side and her clothes on the other? And you already knew about the cleaning, she started that long ago. But has she cleaned and organized your refrigerator? As the cold chill comes down your spine the realization sets in. I know that feeling. After an amazing night, my girl sat me down and we had the talk.

Psychological Preparation

After seeing the signs you need to mentally prepare yourself for the talk. She has made it very easy for you to get comfortable with her presence in your domain. But are you ready to commit? This doesn't refer to monogamy. Of course you gave up other girls long ago else you need to read an article on why men cheat.

What I refer to by commitment here is more than monogamy. It deals with your willingness to adapt yourself to anther's physical and emotional needs. Not simply on a scheduled basis as before but potentially for a lifetime. She accepts you, but can you accept her as a living part of who you are as well?

This is difficult to explain but I hated when my girl got sick because I get sick soon after. I constantly accused her of giving me the flu. But when she got sick while away visiting her relatives she called me sounding so awful. She had gotten sick on the trip over and when I learned about it, I got sick as well. It is what it is.

The question you ask yourself is do you love her? You will know the answer because, although you may have thought you loved someone before, this is your first time feeling like this. Do you see yourself growing old with her?

Is She Planning the Talk?

For seemingly no reason, your girl got off work early and called you during the day. She states she will use her key to get into your apartment and meet you there after you get off. Yes, she already has a key, you gave it to her. When you arrive she has made a great meal and the rest of the night is a story straight out of erotic fiction.

You awaken feeling like a king. She is already awake. She may, or may not, have prepared breakfast, depending on how tired she is. I got no breakfast as she sat me down with her wide beautiful sad eyes. I was still barely awake and reeling from the night before. She began by saying, "I don't want to rush you..."
Your Place or Mine

The talk is really is a veiled ultimatum. If you ever hope to have another night like last night then you only have one option. What lies ahead is how to go about it. Never move in with her. Odds are she doesn't want you to move in with her. But if her place is larger, nicer and closer to town this may not be the case. Do not move in with her. If the relationship goes south you have no where to go and have to deal with settling in to another apartment. Perhaps you've also lost your rent controlled agreement.

Even if the relationship goes smoothly, your friends have no where to hang out. Oh yeah, we didn't mention that you are still holding on to that dream. You should plan on designating one of your single friends' apartments as the new hangout spot.

There are never more than two birds in one nest unless eggs are involved. Yes, relinquishing your place as the designated hang out spot also means you are no longer the alpha male of your pack. You trade this to become a grown up. There are too many reasons to never move in with her to mention, just don't do it. Agreeing that it is time to move forward is good, setting boundaries is also good.

The Move!

So you have helped her move all her things into your apartment. Rule of thumb here, where ever she wants her things to be is exactly where you were thinking it should be. And you were thinking about tossing out that old couch anyway. Ideally, you have discussed with your pals who will "hold on" to your old furniture. Be prepared to let that old couch and its college memories go. If the relationship lasts, your pal has a right to claim it, possession being 9/10 of the law.

Don't wait for her to suggest which of your items need to go to make room for hers. It's important that the move is not just logistically smooth but emotionally as well. Move anything you want to keep into storage or to your parent's garage if it's that important to you. You can also let her know your items of sentiment. She knows this is a big step for you as well and will understand.

Most Important!

This final part is perhaps the most important depending on your situation. Begin preparing for a home to own for your family. Do not wait on this. Finish up those last few courses toward your college degree. Can your current job support a family and allow for savings? Do either of you currently own reliable transportation or still owe car payments. This takes most men by surprise but these are not post marital plans. These plans should begin the very next day after she is securely in your nest.

One last thing you should also keep in mind. It’s not realistic to expect that night of ecstasy to be repeated nightly. You also trade that to be a grown up.

Previously Posted on FullofKnowlege.com

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