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Wednesday, October 23, 2013
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Saturday, October 19, 2013
The Value of Communication in Relationships
The value of communication is perhaps the most overstated concepts in relationship counseling. We tend to take it for granted that talking and listening is important. But do we really understand what it means to be a good listener?
Perhaps the most important aspect of being a good listener is learning more about our partner. This provides shortcuts to resolve potential relationship issues later on. When we listen to our partner we learn a wealth of emotional information about them. We can assume less and pick up more when our partner is in distress.
When spending time with family and friends, I make a conscious effort to be the listener. I reserve my point of view when questioned or at the end of the speaker's commentary. There is a reinforcement of the bond between two people when we validate each others feelings. Being genuinely attentive as they voice their concerns will often diffuse the anger and frustration that builds up during heated arguments. Your partner will also be more inclined to respect your opportunity to voice your views.
Developing the skill to become a good listener is not easy. It can be difficult to put your own agenda on hold and prioritize your partner's concerns. Sometimes I find it necessary to separate myself emotionally from the discussion while my partner is voicing an issue. This helps me to focus objectively on what is being said. It is rare that a mutually beneficial compromise cannot be reached when both parties genuinely listen.
When you are a good listener your partner comes to know you genuinely care about how they are feeling. When you ask your partner how they are doing, they know it's not simply a rhetorical question. I don't ask unless I know I can stop and take time to listen and be fully attentive. Likewise, there are very few things in my life I will prioritize more than my partner's concerns.
It's not always best to cheer your partner up when they convey they are feeling sad or angry. I have learned the hard way that while my partner is temporarily cheered up the underlying cause of the sadness or anger remains. Hearing out the reasons for the anger or sadness allows you both to address it and consider options to resolve the issue. Only after we have fully explored the issue do I try to cheer my partner.
Conveying my views in the form of a question takes the bite out of my response. This keeps my partner in the director's seat of the conversation and allows for continued sharing. Sometimes there seems no easy way to respond to an emotionally loaded statement. Taking care to never respond to a question with another question is also important. This is often perceived as being condescending.
When it is finally my turn to speak I always ask myself the same questions and genuinely listen to my inner response. Do I love my partner? Is my partner still an intimate part of my life? This helps me to not say things I don't mean in frustration. It focuses me on my goal which is to validate my partner's concerns and seek to come to a compromise.
Sources:
Experience in Associate Studies in Family Counseling
Previously Posted on FullofKnowlege.com
Being Happily Single is Not Being a Cheater
I have often been labeled a player, but I describe myself as happily single. There are differences between what is commonly known as a player and my personal lifestyle and relationship choices.
Player is typically a derogatory term that describes one that misleads a partner with a false self representation for the purpose of getting them into bed. I do not mislead anyone and everyone with whom I have relations is well aware I am not seeking a committed involvement with anyone.
It has been my experience that cheaters do so solely as a result of a childish need sample everything on the table. I have studied psychology and I have never once seen an instance where cheating occurred as a result of childhood trauma, fear of commitment or a troubled prior relationship history. In every instance, cheaters have exhibited the same behavior. Take them to a buffet and they will fill their plates with a little of everything.
Women especially are surprised to learn their partner's lover is often less attractive, in poor shape and perhaps more openly promiscuous so to speak. This is not uncommon. Slumming it seems to be the norm among male cheaters out looking for some strange.
Studies have shown cheaters consider their partners more attractive than their affair mates. Only 30 percent of men cheated with women younger than their significant others. Only 1/4 described their affair mates as more interesting or in better shape than their significant others.
Male cheaters often describe their affair mates as better listeners, more passionate and caring than their significant others. However, in any other scenario other than infidelity counselors would call foul at such nonsense citing this as an excuse response. If I found my lover to be more passionate, caring and more genuinely invested in my feelings I would leave my significant other. If discovered, I certainly would not beg her forgiveness and vow to never do it again.
So why cheat? As mentioned earlier, I see no need to mislead anyone about myself or my desire to remain non-committed. I don't feel I need to initially state up front my position with every person I meet. If I see the person is beginning to move us beyond friendship I do make it clear I have no intention of being anyone's partner. I have personal goals for myself that require my full attention. This is not to say I do not welcome close friendship or cuddling or even more.
My female cheating friends often say their affair partners are better listeners; more affectionate, more passionate and more attentive to their emotional needs than their significant others. Perhaps this is true as women value these relationship traits in general. However, in almost every instance among my female cheater friends a few other factors are at play. I have found they prefer affair partners who are more attractive, in better shape and earn more money than their significant others.
Many studies and articles have addressed cheating in relationships and infidelity in marriages. But how can a study accurately represent the facts if the participants are inherently known cheaters and liars? Perhaps an accurate study requires close examination of a cheater in his/her natural habitat. I have often been mislabeled as a cheater myself. So perhaps my colors somewhat resemble that of genuine cheaters. For this reason cheaters open up to me more than they would anyone else, stating I know what it's like to be the way they are.
To the untrained eye, perhaps I do resemble a cheater being seen out with a different partner most every weekend.
Cheaters I have encountered typically live stressful and constantly tumultuous double lives. They exist like criminals on the run always in hiding as a result of their own dishonesty. In general, they do not seem to be happy with themselves or capable of achieving satisfaction in committed relationships.
To the untrained eye, perhaps I do resemble a cheater being seen out with a different partner most every weekend. But I have found honesty and full disclosure to be the best policy. This has enabled me to operate out in the open without fear of who sees me or with whom. This is the difference between being a cheater and being happily single.
Source:
Previously Posted on FullofKnowlege.com
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
The Bad Penny
The Return of My Ex Wife
The events that led to my divorce years
ago nearly wrecked my entire life. My troubled relationship with my ex wife was
a valid emotional addiction. Getting over her was perhaps the most difficult
struggle I have ever faced. Now years later she has returned out of the blue!
"That woman is like a bad penny!" My mother exclaimed as she sat with my daughter, Claire, over tea and bagels. I was away on business and my 15 year old daughter was left to hold down the fort. We had compromised that she could have some girlfriends over but there were to be no parties. There was a knock at the door and my daughter answered to see a very attractive woman standing on our porch. The way the woman was dressed reminded Claire of a viper.
The woman lowered her shades and gave my daughter a head to toe evaluation. Claire was instantly made to feel inferior by the woman in one single glance. But my daughter was not taken completely by surprise. She had seen this woman before among my old pictures. The woman was her father's ex wife. "I'm sorry but my father isn't home, Ma'am. I can't allow strangers inside but I can leave him a message if you like."
Claire's deliberate emphasis on the words "Ma'am and Strangers" was a counter strike for the snooty glance the woman had given her. She pretended not to know the woman and placed herself in the center of the doorway. Claire's grandfather had once said this woman had broken a thick whiskey bottle over a girl's head and threatened her with the jagged edge. Claire studied a particularly vicious form of martial arts known as Krav Maga. The woman was older, thinner and smaller than my daughter. My daughter was very fitness conscious. She was taut and muscular and boasted of having almost no excess body fat. Within mere seconds of meeting each other it was clear neither approved of the other.
Without a word the woman returned to her beautiful black BMW and drove away. Claire rushed to her phone and called my mother who lived next door. My mother was at the door a few moments later. She inquired if the woman had said anything. She admitted that her silence was a bad sign. From previous experience, this could indicate that she had personal motives for showing up. Claire saw concern in my mother's eyes. The return of my ex wife would most certainly end badly regardless of the scenario. She warned my daughter to steer clear of the woman. She was dangerous in a way few had ever given her credit for. My mother should have noticed that my daughter remained quiet and did not say either way if she would leave the situation alone.
My ex wife worked as a nurse at a local hospital. The prospect of anyone being In the care of this woman made my mother and Claire's grandmother shudder. Unlike me, my ex wife continued to gain infamy after we split. She had remarried twice after our divorce. Her second husband's career as a police officer was destroyed as a result of their marital problems. The third husband had been shot in the back. The husband recovered and the incident was deemed accidental.
When the woman appeared in the hospital parking lot my daughter was there parked beside her BMW. She leaned against the front of our SUV. Today my daughter was not dressed in sweatpants and a flannel shirt. She was in knee high leather heeled boots, tight blue jeans and a cropped halter top. Her auburn hair was no longer in her typical pony tail but draped across her shoulders. I knew the outfit and thought my daughter had gotten rid of it as I had commanded. When my ex wife saw my daughter she stopped in her tracks. She seemed uneasy as she approached. She inquired how my daughter had found where she worked. My daughter ignored her question and stated, "I think we should talk."
Claire stated innocently that she understood if the woman was frightened to get in the SUV. My ex wife boldly accepted the ride. My daughter drove to a well populated Mexican restaurant in the mall. Claire smiled as my ex wife took it upon herself to order warm milk for the child and a tequila shot for herself. Before the discussion began Claire's phone rang and she politely apologized stating the call was important. My ex wife stared at her as Claire cooed and flirted with the voice on the phone. My ex wife's jaw dropped as Claire ended the conversation with her caller. "I'm actually having lunch with your mother at this very moment. I will call you tonight and let you know how it went."
Claire sat the phone down and informed my ex wife she had met her son. She confided that she had repeatedly reminded him they are technically step siblings. But Gage did not seem to mind, he seemed determined to pursue Claire. He had called her every day since they met at a party nearly a week ago. Claire then asked the astonished woman how a mother would feel watching helplessly as her son's life was systematically devoured by a caustic and toxic relationship. "How do you think my grandmother felt watching you destroy her son's life? How would you feel if someone were to put your son through that same hell, knowing there was nothing you could do to stop it?"
Claire sat a $20 on the table and got up. She took her glass of warm milk and gulped it down until it was gone. She pointed at the tequila shot warning that long term alcohol use will add 10 years to her appearance. Claire gave the older woman a saddened final evaluation. She left the woman at the restaurant to find her own way back. My ex wife has not returned since.
My daughter spent the next four weeks of her young life grounded. My mother disagreed with my decision to place Claire under house arrest but understood my reasons. Perhaps my daughter's approach was the only solution to the threat posed to her family. But my concern was the danger in which she had placed herself.
"That woman is like a bad penny!" My mother exclaimed as she sat with my daughter, Claire, over tea and bagels. I was away on business and my 15 year old daughter was left to hold down the fort. We had compromised that she could have some girlfriends over but there were to be no parties. There was a knock at the door and my daughter answered to see a very attractive woman standing on our porch. The way the woman was dressed reminded Claire of a viper.
The woman lowered her shades and gave my daughter a head to toe evaluation. Claire was instantly made to feel inferior by the woman in one single glance. But my daughter was not taken completely by surprise. She had seen this woman before among my old pictures. The woman was her father's ex wife. "I'm sorry but my father isn't home, Ma'am. I can't allow strangers inside but I can leave him a message if you like."
Claire's deliberate emphasis on the words "Ma'am and Strangers" was a counter strike for the snooty glance the woman had given her. She pretended not to know the woman and placed herself in the center of the doorway. Claire's grandfather had once said this woman had broken a thick whiskey bottle over a girl's head and threatened her with the jagged edge. Claire studied a particularly vicious form of martial arts known as Krav Maga. The woman was older, thinner and smaller than my daughter. My daughter was very fitness conscious. She was taut and muscular and boasted of having almost no excess body fat. Within mere seconds of meeting each other it was clear neither approved of the other.
Without a word the woman returned to her beautiful black BMW and drove away. Claire rushed to her phone and called my mother who lived next door. My mother was at the door a few moments later. She inquired if the woman had said anything. She admitted that her silence was a bad sign. From previous experience, this could indicate that she had personal motives for showing up. Claire saw concern in my mother's eyes. The return of my ex wife would most certainly end badly regardless of the scenario. She warned my daughter to steer clear of the woman. She was dangerous in a way few had ever given her credit for. My mother should have noticed that my daughter remained quiet and did not say either way if she would leave the situation alone.
My ex wife worked as a nurse at a local hospital. The prospect of anyone being In the care of this woman made my mother and Claire's grandmother shudder. Unlike me, my ex wife continued to gain infamy after we split. She had remarried twice after our divorce. Her second husband's career as a police officer was destroyed as a result of their marital problems. The third husband had been shot in the back. The husband recovered and the incident was deemed accidental.
When the woman appeared in the hospital parking lot my daughter was there parked beside her BMW. She leaned against the front of our SUV. Today my daughter was not dressed in sweatpants and a flannel shirt. She was in knee high leather heeled boots, tight blue jeans and a cropped halter top. Her auburn hair was no longer in her typical pony tail but draped across her shoulders. I knew the outfit and thought my daughter had gotten rid of it as I had commanded. When my ex wife saw my daughter she stopped in her tracks. She seemed uneasy as she approached. She inquired how my daughter had found where she worked. My daughter ignored her question and stated, "I think we should talk."
Claire stated innocently that she understood if the woman was frightened to get in the SUV. My ex wife boldly accepted the ride. My daughter drove to a well populated Mexican restaurant in the mall. Claire smiled as my ex wife took it upon herself to order warm milk for the child and a tequila shot for herself. Before the discussion began Claire's phone rang and she politely apologized stating the call was important. My ex wife stared at her as Claire cooed and flirted with the voice on the phone. My ex wife's jaw dropped as Claire ended the conversation with her caller. "I'm actually having lunch with your mother at this very moment. I will call you tonight and let you know how it went."
Claire sat the phone down and informed my ex wife she had met her son. She confided that she had repeatedly reminded him they are technically step siblings. But Gage did not seem to mind, he seemed determined to pursue Claire. He had called her every day since they met at a party nearly a week ago. Claire then asked the astonished woman how a mother would feel watching helplessly as her son's life was systematically devoured by a caustic and toxic relationship. "How do you think my grandmother felt watching you destroy her son's life? How would you feel if someone were to put your son through that same hell, knowing there was nothing you could do to stop it?"
Claire sat a $20 on the table and got up. She took her glass of warm milk and gulped it down until it was gone. She pointed at the tequila shot warning that long term alcohol use will add 10 years to her appearance. Claire gave the older woman a saddened final evaluation. She left the woman at the restaurant to find her own way back. My ex wife has not returned since.
My daughter spent the next four weeks of her young life grounded. My mother disagreed with my decision to place Claire under house arrest but understood my reasons. Perhaps my daughter's approach was the only solution to the threat posed to her family. But my concern was the danger in which she had placed herself.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Walmart Shopping Undercover
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| Recommended disguises by celebs when shopping at Wal-Mart |
There is an urban legend that says you will typically run into people you don't want to see while shopping at Wal-Mart. I have to agree. I have a ritual when I plan to go grocery shopping. I put on a hat, large shades and non-descript clothing. When I walk into the large sliding glass doors, customers begin to whisper wondering if I am a celebrity or something. "Excuse me, but haven't I seen you on television?"
Other than the occasional autograph, I rarely get noticed by my ex girlfriend, my boss whom I've told I was sick or friends whom I owe money. The trick is to get in and out fast! A detailed shopping list should be arranged in order along a well rehearsed route that ends at the express lane. I purchase a Wal-Mart cash card online to ensure I don’t get held up in the line too long and further risk exposure. A large gossip publication is useful to hide my face in particularly long lines. I recommend National Inquirer when my own torrid affairs aren't scrawled across their front page.
Inevitably, even with all your efforts, someone will no doubt identify you. Play it off and don't act suspicious. Raise your eyebrows and smile wide as if they were the exact person you have been hoping to see while at Wal-Mart. Take off your shades now because you no longer require them.
Hug the ex girlfriend, boss, your mother or your friend and nonchalantly explain your well rehearsed dialog of why you are dressed like a secret agent in Wal-Mart. "Yes, I realize your current lover looks ten times better than I do but I didn't feel like getting dressed up. Yes, I am still very sick, sir. Notice I have a box of Nyquil here. I love you too, mom. And I will try to get home more often to be berated on my torrid lifestyle. Dude! I swear I cashed the check yesterday and will have your money to you by tomorrow!"
Another good saying is, "If you can't find it at Wal-Mart, It can't be bought." I have certainly found my experiences at Wal-Mart to be priceless!
Previously Posted on FullofKnowlege.com
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Being Beautiful: 5 Things Everyone Should Do Everyday.
The only thing you need to find love is you. Everything else will fall into place. Here is a guaranteed approach to catching the perfect friend who has actually been there all along.
The old saying, “There’s someone out there for everyone” is a bit misleading. This implies there is only one when, in fact, no matter whom you are what you look like or how obnoxious you can be there is a world of others out there that will adore you. You just have to put yourself out there the right way.
Put yourself in the right frame of mind. This is the first step so you don’t stand in the wind awkward like a wallflower. Introduce yourself to you and have a real conversation with you. I know, it seems silly but you may find out how little you really know about yourself. We push so much of what makes us unique and special underneath a persona we believe the world will accept until we lose who we are. Ask yourself the questions you would ask a potential friend or partner and find out what is important to you in a relationship and what you have to offer in a relationship. You will begin to feel comfortable in your own skin and will love yourself for who you are with all your flaws. Remember to strengthen this relationship with yourself. Don’t just let this be a chance encounter. And take yourself out on dates. You will soon find that you have met the closest friend you will ever have. And when you have crossed this threshold you will be ready to present this very special friend to others.
Like books, we each have a story to tell others. The way we dress and the way we carry ourselves is like the cover art to what lies within our pages. So don’t dress up like the model in the magazines and don’t let others tell you how you should dress. How someone else presents themselves to the world is the cover art of their story not yours. Display yourself honestly and true to who you are.
Our concept of beauty may simply be a comparison of someone we consider beautiful. Focus upon the aspects of yourself that are beautiful because that is what others do. It’s a fact that a guy will only see a woman’s breasts at first glance and may not even bother to notice the rest of her until she places her finger under his chin and raises his head. A girl is no different. A wicked grin or mysterious dark eyes will capture her gaze like something shiny in the distance.
Even when she surely inspects the rest of you she will remember that one thing that attracted her to you at first glance. We are subconsciously drawn to our favorite parts of others and everything else is relative. So don’t judge yourself too harshly as an overall presentation.
Judgment is a key factor as well. As we judge others so they also judge us. My dad would lean back in his chair and tell my mom with a wicked smile, “A smart fish will circle a hook three times before she bites.” She was never amused by this but it never failed him. It’s true. Don’t let the judgment of others make you doubt yourself. They may not know what they are looking at but they can not deny… they looked.
How you carry yourself should also be an honest representation of you and how you feel at the moment. Don’t hold you head up high and chin up if that isn’t how you feel. Be shy if you want and add a curious glance to someone across the room. Smile slightly when your eyes meet and then look away as if guilty of something. This is the art of making everything about you an asset rather than a liability.
Most of what makes us beautiful to others is how they feel about us. And all of what makes us beautiful is how we feel about ourselves. I think the best compliment I ever received was, “You look really good to me… I didn’t always think so.”
Previously Posted on FullofKnowlege.com
Jailbait: Support Your Child Until You Know the Facts
"I need you to come get me." My daughter's voice was trembling and I could tell she was near hysterical. My first thought was that she had been in an accident. I was near in panic when I asked if she was okay. Her reply shocked me. "I'm being arrested for shoplifting."
Juvenile delinquent is a general term referring to someone that is under the age of 18 and found guilty of committing a crime. The penalties vary from state to state but in our state they can be quite severe. Crimes committed while under the age of 18 here can be sealed but remain on your permanent record. The offense cannot be viewed without special permission by a potential employer. But it can limit or eliminate your chances for a federal college grant or scholarship. My daughter was in serious trouble. I had time to think while driving to the mall jewelry store. I hoped I could consider all the angles before I arrived.
My daughter had never been a materialistic child. I worked two jobs and had more to offer my child than my parents had. My daughter would not have had to steal for anything she wanted. She never complained about having to work or keep her grades up for things she wanted in the shopping windows. What she had stolen would have been something she knew I could not have given her. Perhaps it was something I could not have given her immediately. It was a jewelry store so she had to have taken something valued in excess of $1000. I feared she would be charged with grand larceny.
My daughter had left with her friends shortly after returning from school. She took our second car and said she was going to do some shopping. I asked if she needed any extra money but she declined stating she still had funds on her allowance card. I had opened a bank account and obtained a debit card for my daughter. This would help her to gain an understanding of budgeting and the banking system. I put funds on her card every two weeks and she had done well in budgeting her finances. She had actually been able to save money over the two years she had her allowance account. Surely she would have put a payment on anything she wanted beyond her savings and walked out with it.
I considered peer pressure as an option. Had my daughter been pressured to steal on a dare? My daughter had been raised to be a leader. She was highly competitive and was the team captain of her soccer team. Her friends followed her lead. It was doubtful she would have been urged to steal by peer pressure. And she had very good friends that were not known for hoodlum behavior. They could be somewhat annoying when gathered in one house for slumber parties but I never saw any bad sheep among her little crew.
There was only one possible reason remaining that could explain this. As I walked into the jewelry store I saw two police officers and the store manager sitting with my daughter behind the counter. Her friends were standing just outside. They informed me the officers had told them to leave but they refused to leave my daughter's side. My daughter's eyes were wide and red peering up at me. The woman behind the counter looked at my daughter as if she had been already a convicted habitual offender.
My daughter was terrified as I walked in. I gave her a supportive wink. Instantly she began to smile and I knew in that moment my daughter had not stolen anything. I glared at the woman with vicious intent. Her smug expression left her pinched face and she backed away from my daughter. I addressed the officers now. "May I see what has been stolen?"
The woman pulled my daughter's purse from behind the counter and with it a small ring case. I began to suspect what had occurred here. I recognized the ring case. It was from this jewelry store but purchased over a week ago. It had held a ring my daughter had given my mother for her birthday. I still had the receipt in my wallet. I gave my daughter the same glance I always give her when I want her to hush. Then I asked the woman. "Where is the ring?"
The woman stated she believed the ring to be hidden on my daughter's person although she did not seem so confident now. She admitted that she had not bothered to ask my daughter about the ring case. The alarm had gone off and the security guard had taken her purse. Had my daughter been informed what caused the alarm to go off she could have easily explained it.
I took the small box and went toward the door and the alarm sounded. The officers were beginning to figure this out as well. They stood my daughter up and released the handcuffs. She ran over and wrapped her arms around me. I looked at the woman as my daughter's friends circled her supportively. "Do you want to apologize to my daughter here or in court?"
Previously Posted on FullofKnowlege.com
Parenting: How to Grow Up Fast
I depend less upon others these days and find I am more reliant upon myself. I've come to notice I am quite capable of handling my own issues. I prepare for the unexpected and constantly remind myself that I need to hold back a little each paycheck for emergencies. Becoming a father is a big part of this change from my flippant youth. I soon found I could not rely upon others to get me out of a jam when it could affect my child's security.
There was a time when I could never be depended upon for even the simplest of tasks. I was the last person friends or family would ask when in need. You must surely be at the end of your rope if you called upon me. My transformation to what could be considered a reliable friend and family member did not happen over night. It came as a result of a series of hard choices and the cold realization that no one else was going to be there for me.
I had once been what those who knew me described as a free spirit. I floated through my days rather than walked with steady deliberation. I felt I needed little for myself and often wondered how I got by with such little effort on my part. I had taken for granted my parents were supporting me. After college, I could have probably gotten on my feet sooner had I been faced with the reality of homelessness. But my parents took me in. They had been divorced for years by this time so I had my choice of three homes where I could crash. In fact, I considered this arrangement as one with the means would consider his home in the city and vacation house in the Hamptons. I was regarded among friends and associates as a grown child living perpetually upon the good nature of others.
An unfortunate series of events soon placed me in a position to help another. It occurred to me that I was in no position myself to step in and change the tragic circumstances this person faced. But when I looked into her eyes I could not turn away. She captivated my heart in a way that no one else had ever been able to do. I had never felt this sort of bond before. I knew if I walked away from this little person she would surely never recover.
People in my life scolded me harshly in those first days. I admit my ego was somewhat bruised by the realization friends and family had so little faith in my ability to handle this new project I had taken on. Perhaps the most biting of criticism was when my own mother informed me this was not some puppy I had brought home. But this little girl had all the faith in the world in me and I knew I could not let her down. Her future rested in my hands. But these hands had no job.
I had put off finding a career after college. I was met with resistance in a highly competitive field with few available openings in our area. The job situation was bleak I was fond of saying whenever someone would encourage me to seek employment. The failing economy was tough on everyone and I could not be held to blame for my lack of means. This argument had served me well in the past. It did not serve me well in regard to this little person in my life. Summer vacation was fast drawing to a close and I had a pile of responsibilities to address before she returned to school. This little bright ray of sunshine had become accustomed to a certain lifestyle.
Under mounting pressure and intense scrutiny from everyone that knew me, I did the unthinkable. I got hired by not one, but two fast food locations. I knew it would not be easy but I was guaranteed at least 12 hours of work a day with no days off. The revelation floored those that knew me. They had to come to my work to see it for themselves. I admit I felt the sting of my wounded pride beneath my paper hat. But I was doing what had to be done to help this little girl. The day arrived for her to start school and I had easily cleared enough hours to provide her new clothes, supplies and even her Soccer uniform.
I was exhausted and thankfully my parents began to ease up on the criticism. Between my parents and the child's own grandmother, they shared the responsibility of caring for this child while I was at work from 5 am until well after midnight each day. I promised them it would only be temporary. I was sure the child's unfortunate situation would be resolved soon and I would be let off the hook. This was not the case.
The little girl's mother suffered from substance abuse and her father nowhere to be found. She had a loving grandmother but she was too frail to take on raising the little girl alone. I had met the girl's mother and we shared a very brief relationship. During the course of these few weeks I acquired the responsibility of caring for her eleven year old daughter. Now it appeared as if the task would extend longer than I had originally planned. Also, the child was getting attached to me and I was definitely attached to her.
The situation was heartbreaking as it began to unravel. We feared for a time, the child's mother may die as a result of the drug use complicated by her diabetes. The mother was in no state to provide for her daughter and would not likely be for a long while. There was no resistance from anyone when the grandmother suggested I take temporary custody of the child. The mother agreed it would be better as well. She knew her situation and the long road to recovery ahead of her. I signed the papers and soon after, a judge made it legal. I was the child's legal father.
I had worked two jobs for so long it seemed natural to me. My whole family helped me with my task. They soon learned I had committed to this and it had forever changed me. In less than two years I had gone from living off my parents to reviewing potential homes in my child's school district. My old priorities were once buying nice clothes for myself, trimming out my sport car and sipping tangy cocktails. My new priorities still included buying new clothes just not for myself. My sports car would soon be traded for a more economical family friendly SUV. And I sipped on antacid for the most part. I jokingly commented once, "I'm not sure if I have become Claire's father as much as I have become my father."
Today I love my 18 year old daughter. The fact that my parents lovingly describe her as free spirit has not gone unnoticed by me. She sits in her sweatpants and "Roll Tide" college jersey staring in perpetual boredom at my television. We have discussed tentatively her need to get up and get a job. Without taking her eyes from the television she thumbs the cheese from her pizza and informs me, "The job situation is bleak, daddy."
Previously Posted on FullofKnowlege.com
Helping Your Teen with Heartbreak
Break ups hurt. There is no way good way to treat a broken heart, only time can relieve the pain. For young teens, a break up seems like the world is coming to an end. Their emotions are new to them and they feel these emotions more intense. My daughter was only 13 when she fell in love with a classmate. I felt she was perhaps too young for such things hoped she would wait a while longer before discovering boys.
Claire had known her suitor for two years prior but it was their mutual love of athletics that brought them together. She was the captain of her girl's soccer league and he was on the school football team. The school had an after school coed training program in which all students involved in sports trained together regardless of their sport. The workout program was one of the unique aspects that made this academy the more popular choice for parents. The students and the parents were more involved with each of the sports offered by the academy and not just the one their own kids played.
They had begun to pair off for workouts and soon included study time and lunch together as part of their daily schedule. I kept a watchful eye on the developing relationship. I knew my daughter to be a responsible person and I knew the boy's parents from my school days. He was a good kid and had been raised to be respectful of a young lady. When the trouble started I was relieved it was not an issue of inappropriate behavior. It was a matter quite impossible for either of them to overcome.
The second quality of the academy that made it a popular parent's choice was its outstanding record for quality education. Students were made familiar with college level subjects and prepared for the challenges of college curriculum. They had access to scholarships and each student groomed to meet and exceed the requirements. Maintaining good grades was mandatory and drops in performance were addressed promptly. Claire's grades remained high but her new friend had begun to slip.
It was difficult for my daughter to understand how she could be considered a distraction. As parents, we had seen it coming. She would be focused on the subject of study while he would only focus on her. We were prepared somewhat by the time the midterm grades were tallied.
The boy’s grades had dropped significantly. He would have to sit out the remainder of his athletics program and spend his after school time in the academy's academic mentorship. The parents and the teachers meet and discuss these issues up front should they become a hindrance to the performance of the students. The boy had decided for himself to end the relationship. Claire was devastated.
Thankfully the only good thing about the situation was that Claire had Thanksgiving break to recover or risk her own grades while mending a wounded heart. The reasons seemed even worse for Claire. She felt responsible and guilty for becoming a distraction as the teachers had said. I agreed with the boy's mother they could have not been so quick to lay all the blame of the girls. The boy’s mandatory school uniforms were sharp and made them to resemble future leaders of industry. The girls were made to look like something from a cheesy anime production. The public school girls frequently referred to the girls attending the academy as ‘Britneys’. Any red blooded young boy would be perpetually distracted.
All I could do as a father was keep plenty of chocolate chip cookies and hot cocoa on hand. It was heartbreaking to watch. At Thanksgiving dinner Claire tried to hide her pain but this only made her seem like a broken doll sitting at the table. She was hugged and kissed so much her cheeks were red by the time we got home. She returned to her room and closed the door. I could hear her crying in the night. My mother and her grandmother agreed it would be better to let her get through this on her own. I tried but I could not do it.
I went into the kitchen and put a pizza into the oven. I made a bowl of raw cookie dough and put all the 2 liter bottles of soft drinks in the living room. I turned on the TV and paid for every single one of the movies on Claire's wish list. I knocked on the door and found my daughter curled on her bed staring at her wall and holding tightly to her blue baby blanket. I wrapped her listless body in a blanket and carried her to the living room couch. I started the movie marathon.
I'm not proud of what I did next but the situation called for desperate measures. In her despair, my daughter had neglected her toes. I took her foot and scrubbed the chipped paint from her toe nails and replied a fresh coat as neatly as I could. I even put the cotton between the toes. My daughter stared at her left foot for a moment then dropped her right foot into my lap. It was near daylight outside when my daughter fell asleep on the couch. She had smiled and even giggled during the funnier parts of our list of Disney movies. My daughter's heart was well on the mend and her toes immaculate.
Previously Posted on FullofKnowlege.com
Native American: Learning to Be Apache
I have come to understand the Apache language fluently in a matter of hours. I have learned to speak my native language fluently within a matter of days. Even having accomplished this seemingly amazing feat I remain in doubt. Perhaps I'm simply good with languages and never knew it. My old uncle smiles at me as he places more wood on the fire. I sit in a comfortable chair facing the burning logs flickering in the subdued light. The door is closed and the lights are off. Outside it is July. All things change but the universal laws governing them remain the same.
It saddens me that I have wasted so much of my life in ignorance and only see the wisdom from looking back. I have even coined the term retro understanding as an appropriate philosophy for my condition. I only seem to know what to do if I am ever dumb enough to be caught in such a bleak situation again. While new and unique challenges await me ahead to stumble blindly through. I fear that the culmination of all my years of wisdom will reach its pinnacle upon my death bed. What's the point in that?
The point, my uncle reminds me in my native tongue, comes from some basic universal truths. Energy is neither created nor destroyed but simply changes form. I am a product of energy and when my shell falls away I will continue beyond in a different form. Like a raindrop falling into a lake, I simply change form and rise to the clouds again in an endless cycle. The culmination of all I have learned remaining with me. All my loved ones and countless generations of family before me exist in their evolved form to return at some point.
In many ways I still feel like a child because it has taken me so long to reach some understanding of universal truths and my place in the big picture. But I am reminded again by my wise old uncle that it had to have taken many lifetimes to come to this point. A certain amount of innate knowledge had to have existed within me upon conception. Else there is no logical way I could have caught up so quickly. Animals are able to stand within moments of birth and run within hours. We take the mystery for granted and call it instinct.
Hundreds of thousands of years from now, civilizations will unearth our creations and understand the purpose of our primitive technology. They will seek to translate and understand our many glyphic languages but they will not know us. Not really. They will, however, carry within them the ethereal knowledge we gained within their DNA. They will be born infinitely more intelligent than we were after nearly a century of living. No homo sapien child would have been able to grasp the advanced sciences as our children do. It had not been learned and handed down into their wealth of understanding. It was not yet in their DNA. We take the mystery for granted and call it evolution.
Once we understand ourselves as infinite beings can we begin to know our place and responsibility here while we live. Time seems to pass by faster as we grow older because of the expanse of time behind us. It has been proven that time is not linear but relative. In this we see only a glimpse of the physical effects of our own unfathomable span of existence.
We have learned much about our universe from our science yet have failed to include ourselves in the final equation. There is no death. If death were real in the sense that we think to understand it, nothing would exist. Everything would have died many eons ago. The closest we come to our concept of death is sleep and perhaps resurrection when we awaken. Our memories of yesterday remain with us in the light of the new day. We take this mystery for granted and call it life.
Previously Posted on FullofKnowlege.com
Relationships: Making Amends
"I'm happy for you." Barbara's words still carried the same connotation of subdued anger I remembered so many years ago. How could that be possible? We were teens when we split up and her family moved away to Texas soon after. I had made a decision that could have resulted in ruining my life from that day forward. She had begged me not to go but I felt I had to stand by my brother. I would certainly have done things differently and wished I had every day. For 30 years, not a day has gone by I did not think of her and regret my decision.
I lived a violent and dangerous life in my youth. I sought atonement for the severe beating a cousin had suffered at the hands of a rival. My brother and I had no misunderstanding of our intent when we found the one responsible. Barbara pleaded with me. If we continued to live as we were we had to expect violence to come to us. The only solution was to turn away from it. She said normal people don't have to live this way. She offered me a normal life with her. I made a choice to deny it. This has been my cross to bear everyday for 30 years.
As I grew older, I changed and the world changed with me. The thousand miles between us disappeared with the advent of the internet and social media. Barbara became a mutual friend, and with the click of a button and I could contact her. What would I say? Surely, a simple hello would be a good start. I reached out and contacted her for the first time in 30 years. There was no response and soon her profile disappeared from my screen. So there was the truth of it. I certainly had never thought that she remained a 15 year old girl suspended in time for 30 years. How could she still consider me the same 16 year old boy and hold a grudge that long? Barbara had always been one to hold a grudge but 30 years seemed legendary. I almost admired her commitment. A few days later I received a friend request from her and a message, "We need to talk."
Bear in mind Barbara and I had not talked in 3 decades. I accepted her request and almost immediately, received a message. "I'm happy for you... But when you left me you broke my heart. I loved you more than I have ever loved anyone. When I moved away I missed you so much I felt sick. I could not forget you and I could not commit to another person after you. You have been in the back of my mind through every relationship I have ever had. You were supposed to have been my first. You were supposed to have been my husband. You were supposed to have been the father of our children. I have never married and I have no children. Saying you are sorry is not an option. Take as much time as you need to reply."
Barbara is still among my friends and we see each other's posts almost daily. It's strange that this world we live in didn't exist when we were separated. I honestly believed I would never see her again. I had thought I could atone for every wrong I had done in my life. But my mistake made so long ago seems unforgivable. I have felt exactly the same way she has and blamed myself every day. I can’t change the actions of my past. But it is my responsibility to mend the pain I have caused.
Previously Posted on FullofKnowlege.com
Monday, October 7, 2013
How To Be a Good Friend
Over the years, I find myself thinking more about my friends and how they are doing. I’m reminded of my mom sitting at the window in the early morning sunlight with a cup of Earl Grey writing long letters to loved ones. Now that I've moved far away I now receive her letters and it makes me smile to know that I can close my eyes and see her as she was writing it.
While reading a letter from mom today it was evident to me that the content of her letters are significant. By this I mean she mentioned how friends and family were doing but also includes lessons to be mindful of during my day. She knows my naughtiness, you see.
I was quite troublesome for my deal old mum during my fragile formative years and she did the best she could to make me understand those things of which I felt I already knew. Parents react differently to a troublesome child than they would a friend or partner. They are more patient and see so much of their younger selves in us. Hurtful words are said in anger yet forgotten with a hug and cry moments later.
When I think of friends I have lost over the years I often find myself hoping I could go back and undo the damage done. I wish I could have been more patient with a wayward friend and not so intolerant. As years pass I remember what a dear friend they once were rather than the issue that separated us.
I share now my mom’s lesson for today. Love is always about giving and never about taking. You give your love to others and others give their love back to you. Always try to see yourself in others no matter how far removed they may initially seem. Judge them as you would yourself but forgive instantly. Sometimes parting is necessary, it’s in the doing that matters.
These days I cherish the friends I have as a result of the friends I have lost in the past. My mistakes in the past remain painful but have made me mindful of how I seek to resolve issues today. And I realize today that my very best friend was the very first one I ever had.
Previously Posted on FullofKnowlege.com
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