"I'm happy for you." Barbara's words still carried the same connotation of subdued anger I remembered so many years ago. How could that be possible? We were teens when we split up and her family moved away to Texas soon after. I had made a decision that could have resulted in ruining my life from that day forward. She had begged me not to go but I felt I had to stand by my brother. I would certainly have done things differently and wished I had every day. For 30 years, not a day has gone by I did not think of her and regret my decision.
I lived a violent and dangerous life in my youth. I sought atonement for the severe beating a cousin had suffered at the hands of a rival. My brother and I had no misunderstanding of our intent when we found the one responsible. Barbara pleaded with me. If we continued to live as we were we had to expect violence to come to us. The only solution was to turn away from it. She said normal people don't have to live this way. She offered me a normal life with her. I made a choice to deny it. This has been my cross to bear everyday for 30 years.
As I grew older, I changed and the world changed with me. The thousand miles between us disappeared with the advent of the internet and social media. Barbara became a mutual friend, and with the click of a button and I could contact her. What would I say? Surely, a simple hello would be a good start. I reached out and contacted her for the first time in 30 years. There was no response and soon her profile disappeared from my screen. So there was the truth of it. I certainly had never thought that she remained a 15 year old girl suspended in time for 30 years. How could she still consider me the same 16 year old boy and hold a grudge that long? Barbara had always been one to hold a grudge but 30 years seemed legendary. I almost admired her commitment. A few days later I received a friend request from her and a message, "We need to talk."
Bear in mind Barbara and I had not talked in 3 decades. I accepted her request and almost immediately, received a message. "I'm happy for you... But when you left me you broke my heart. I loved you more than I have ever loved anyone. When I moved away I missed you so much I felt sick. I could not forget you and I could not commit to another person after you. You have been in the back of my mind through every relationship I have ever had. You were supposed to have been my first. You were supposed to have been my husband. You were supposed to have been the father of our children. I have never married and I have no children. Saying you are sorry is not an option. Take as much time as you need to reply."
Barbara is still among my friends and we see each other's posts almost daily. It's strange that this world we live in didn't exist when we were separated. I honestly believed I would never see her again. I had thought I could atone for every wrong I had done in my life. But my mistake made so long ago seems unforgivable. I have felt exactly the same way she has and blamed myself every day. I can’t change the actions of my past. But it is my responsibility to mend the pain I have caused.
Previously Posted on FullofKnowlege.com
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